Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
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FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.