Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
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in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
water it, i dare you
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
My inexpensive home security system…
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.