Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
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Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I’m sure it’s fine.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.