Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
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He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally