Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: want to see me do a head stand

BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)