Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
You Might Also Like
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
sometimes i miss this memes
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
the way this pissed me off… 😭
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.