Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
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Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
same vibe as tangled headphones
