Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
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Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar