kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
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[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.