kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant