kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
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As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?