Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Who’s your favorite vampire?”

“The one on Sesame Street.”

“He doesn’t count.”

“I can assure you that he does.”

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.