Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
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ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.