Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.