Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
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[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.