kinda fun if literal: earwigs
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10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
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Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait