kinda fun if literal: earwigs
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boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.