kinda fun if literal: earwigs
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Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I’d love this…lol
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness