Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.

Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.