Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
You Might Also Like
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I love it
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.