Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
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I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.