Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
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2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”