Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
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Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Already got one
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”