Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
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All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I love wikipedia
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.