Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’

Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads