Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
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The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
i spent way too long on this
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏