Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
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trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Mornin
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered