Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
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People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
good work, detective
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.