Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
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[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
The French cow says MEUX…
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
scared to check what name she chose
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it