I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Kinda miss the days when rage smashing a phone just meant you looked at the three pieces on the floor, sighed, then picked them up and put the battery back in
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WHO ARE YOU RUNNING FROM IN YOUR OWN APARTMENT YOU FAT MONSTER NEIGHBOR I shout to my ceiling.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
“can we take the magic schoolbus”
no. today is reading day
“please ms frizz”
u’ve gone to space but u dont kno how to read
Apparently the owners of Aldi and Lidl were really brothers. Presumably Aldi was the alder one and Lidl the Lidl one.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.