Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
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Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
mood
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Do one person every day that scares you.