@ItsAllBollocks

Kinda miss the days when rage smashing a phone just meant you looked at the three pieces on the floor, sighed, then picked them up and put the battery back in

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@whatsJo

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

@causticbob

Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand

@JustDontBugMe

Pizza: *screaming* BUT DOES ANYONE CARE WHAT I’D LIKE TO HAVE ON TOP OF ME!?

@Darlainky

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

@Skoog

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

@Pirate_nurse

I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I’m confused about how many at night?

@50FirstTates

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable