[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
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Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
My SO – Do you like it dirty?
Me. MM HHM
My SO – Do you like it wet
Me: MM Hm
My SO – Here is a towel, do the dishes.
Me: Whispers safe word
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE