Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
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annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”