@wendchymes

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

You Might Also Like

@notalogin

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

@rockymomax

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

@RunOldMan

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

@_ElvishPresley_

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

@sixfootcandy

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

@Eminem

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

@LVGambler123

My SO – Do you like it dirty?
Me. MM HHM
My SO – Do you like it wet
Me: MM Hm
My SO – Here is a towel, do the dishes.
Me: Whispers safe word

@Co_Mill

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE