Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

Why are bridges so flammable.

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..