Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
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If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I support this random dude and all his protests
