Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
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*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
ouch
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Sounds like a bargain
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Can’t, holding a grudge
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”