Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
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I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
guys I’m going home
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.