Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

incredible google review i just found

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.