Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
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When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places