Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
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Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Mapping America’s Far Right
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog