Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
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Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
i smell a pulitzer
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving