Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yoga Matt

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

LMFAOOOO

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

You don’t even know

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

Print is alive and well!!!

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene