kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
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The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Couple goals
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
How animals would run if they were human
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”