kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
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I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.