Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
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Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Mike is short for Micycle
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.