Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

me: *jumping out of a cake*

guy in next urinal: DUDE

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.