Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
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I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
what could possibly go wrong?
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I just stopped by to water my horse.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.