Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
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I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle