Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
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[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
when you don’t want to be too vague
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.