Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
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[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
termite twitter scares me
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER