Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
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One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.