Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
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I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what