Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀