@GrantTanaka

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

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@KKAlThani

If you listened to your heart please speak to a doctor cause it’s isn’t normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you

@BavlyOlwy

“what do we want?” “faster Internet!” “when do we want it?”. Loading…

@WineMummy

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

@veggiefemme

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

@sara_ashlynn

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

@aveuaskew

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

@david8hughes

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

@rachelle_mandik

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”