If you listened to your heart please speak to a doctor cause it’s isn’t normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
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“what do we want?” “faster Internet!” “when do we want it?”. Loading…
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Don’t blame me for acting like a baby, I was born that way.
Kudos to dogs for enduring seven 2018s
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”