kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
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If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here