kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
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A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.