Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”

“No sun.”

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.