Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

Hitlers gonna hitl

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”

“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.