Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

Guy: what do you know about crypto

Me: that’s a DC villain, right?

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers