Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
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“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Hit me in the face with a bird
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.