kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
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wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
that colleague who touches your screen
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore