Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
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Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Ape together strong
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
