Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

*Creating a new social media app*

“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.

[Christmas dinner]

Me [serving guests]: More ramen?

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?