Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
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Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.