Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
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Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
OKAY DAD
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
they should create new variants of dopamine
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
waiting for halloween be like:
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”