Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
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Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I’m good, thanks.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”