Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
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son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I feel it
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I love it all
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.