Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
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I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.