Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

Is your wife single?

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.