kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
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Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
this is uni
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
fair
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Tough love is true love
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.