Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
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3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

Story time

This can never not be funny 😭😭

Be vigilant

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”