Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

If you are reading this then you are reading this

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob