Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
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MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping