Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
You Might Also Like
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
