Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable

Fashion designers: we don’t do magic

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

Me: omg I’m so tired today

Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

[Christmas]

Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!

Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*

First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad