Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

accurate

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

he chose this

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.