Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“