Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
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My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Note to self: always read the final line
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words