Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
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Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me