Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.