Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
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“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I beg your pardon?
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Sooo many times…..
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.